When God Seems Silent

While waiting in a doctor's office this week, I overheard the receptionist talking with a patient near her. Although I missed the first part of the conversation, the receptionist related how she'd just come off this fast and was praying specifically for someone to step in (not sure what position) from 2:00-5:00 in the afternoons. She told the patient that she started off with no answer, but would keep asking until she got what she needed. Basically stating that she would pray until God gave her what she wanted. And sure enough, God delivered. A woman had taken the position and was able to cover the time. The client nodded and offered praise, "Isn't it great to be children of the King?"
The receptionist responded, "God is so good."

Now, I don't want to diminish their faith or the statements they solidified at the end, but as I sat in the hard metal chair, rubbing a headache away and waiting to get further blood-work done, I wondered if they would have said the same things if God hadn't "delivered."  If the person hadn't stepped in to help out? If the struggle continued on as it had before? If God's answer had been not now... wait? If life didn't turn rose-colored like we expected; if we didn't get a slice of heaven here; if we had to wait, would it be okay then? Would they be saying "God is so good"? 

When people proclaim God's goodness, it's often after an affirmation of their desired outcome. Since God gave me what I wanted; therefore, he is good. Or even, God gave me what I thought I needed, so he is good.

But is God's goodness contingent on our finite ability to discern what's best? We grasp a limited view--fractured at best--of the big picture God paints. If we stood two inches away from a Monet painting and stared at it, we'd hardly grasp what we were seeing. I love Impressionism paintings, but they must be appreciated from afar. If I glare at one brush stroke of black and fail to see all the other strokes around it, I've lost sight of the purpose of the painting. 



Still, I get the dilemma: when children face repeated abuse and the system isn't protecting them and God seems distant and apathetic, I want to scream, "We're desperate here! We really do need you! Wouldn't it be good for you to step in and save them, Lord? Why do you seem to do nothing?" We're all praying. We're pleading. And the struggle burns on.

When family members wrestle through chemotherapy and fight against that nasty "c" word and nothing seems to help, I want to scream, "Is this your plan? How does this seem good? Why don't you just end the suffering?" We pray. We plead. And the struggle continues. 

A friend's marriage unravels, and despite years of counseling and prayer and effort, the spouse still walks away, abandoning them and their children. The accident leads to crippling and reduced function. The child remains a selfish prodigal, with no intentions of returning home. The sexual molester goes on unchecked. The liar and cheat swindles another person.

Our Normal Rockwell dream has turned into Edvard Munch's The Scream.

No, this life isn't what we thought it would be. Sometimes God says "no." Sometimes we don't even hear the "no." Sometimes we wonder, is he listening? Does He truly care--in every situation, all the time? Is He doing anything? What? Where? What is the point?

After Malachi finished his prophesy in the Old Testament, it was about 400 years before people heard from John the Baptist, "Make way; He's finally here!" Where was God? Had he abandoned them--decided it wasn't worth it? 

Second Peter chapter 3 expounds on the struggle of waiting for God's judgment day on evil. We see through one angle, but the Lord comprehends and orchestrates it all. Read the whole chapter for further understanding, but these verses speak of waiting and spanning out our perspective.

 But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. 9 The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 10 But the day of the Lord will come... ( 2 Peter 3:8-10 emphasis mine)

Those of you who know me grasp this idea: I hate waiting. I'm a get-er-done, check-off-the-list kinda girl. And although I've grown in my patience an itty bit, I'm sorry, but sometimes God just seems so slow. I tap my toe and scowl at my clock and demand, "When?"

Randy Alcorn says in The Goodness of God that evil will eventually meet eternal wrath. "The wheels of justice may seem to turn slowly, but they turn surely. Scripture assures us that justice is coming; 'God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil' (Ecc. 12:14). Justice is certain, even when it isn't immediate.

"Since sin demands death (see Romans 6:23), if people are to live, justice must wait. God delays justice not to make our lives miserable, but to make our lives possible" (61-62).

What if God said "Enough already!" before Randy Alcorn's conversion? Before Paul's transformation on the road? Before yours? 

Habakkuk 2:3 encourages God's people to wait without despair, "For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay."

So, what do we do in the waiting time? If an estimated two-thirds of the Psalms are psalms of lament (Yancey 82) then surely we should approach God with honesty and brokenness and all the tumultuous feelings we are experiencing. In The Question That Never Goes Away, Philip Yancey addresses the angst in Habakkuk, the prophet's plea with God.

2How long, Lord, must I call for help,

but you do not listen?

Or cry out to you, “Violence!”

but you do not save?

3Why do you make me look at injustice?

Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?

Destruction and violence are before me;

there is strife, and conflict abounds.

4Therefore the law is paralyzed,

and justice never prevails.

The wicked hem in the righteous,

so that justice is perverted. (ESV Habakkuk 1)

We keep talking to God. The temptation--at least for me--is to cross my arms, grunt and say, "What's the use?" Our pride tells us, there's no point in asking, for He will do as He pleases...or seemingly ignore as He chooses. But, Scripture encourages the opposite. We come to the throne room and ask, "How long, Lord?"

We keep fighting injustice. Just because the world appears to have lost every sensible grip on morality doesn't mean we as Christ-followers toss the banner. (I Thes. 4:3-8) We keep serving with compassion, saying no to lustful selfishness, and choose the honorable way.

We keep remembering that our Savior suffered. Though we fully grasp the purpose of it now, Jesus' disciples didn't understand why the Father allowed Jesus to endure such extreme pain and suffering. God feels our pain, and His felt much more. Even when we wonder what He's up to, we need to remind ourselves that we aren't alone. 

"A highway shall be there, and a road, And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness.

The unclean shall not pass over it...But the redeemed shall walk there, 

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return., And come to Zion with singing,

With everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, 

And sorrow and sighing shall flee away."  Isaiah 35:8-10

What’s it all for Anyway?

     I’ve never been much of a prayer warrior; to me, prayer involved some arbitrary equation where 2+2 never quite equaled 4. But, for the life of me, the right formula remained elusive. When one of my greatest prayers for my father’s physical healing was answered with a “no” and my dad left this place for Heaven, the Lord challenged me to step back from my prayers and assess what I was praying for. Was my faith in a certain answer or was my faith in the secure identity of who God is (regardless of what He answered)? Would I be okay with God as Lord if He only ever answered “no” from now until I departed for eternity? Did He have to say yes to my requests for me to believe He was faithful?

     So, I went on a search: how were biblical prayers formatted? What did those prayers focus on? Very few times were prayers about specific circumstances—of course, there are those examples too—but more often, recorded prayers were about acknowledging ourselves in front of a Great God. When we truly acknowledge the overwhelming nature of God’s attributes, we can’t help but be humbled. Instead of going to the throne demanding a certain outcome, we approach with grateful confidence, knowing He will lead us where we need to go. We go with open hands, seeing what He’s already poured into them. And then we ask, “What would you like to do with this?”

     Prayer is relationship; it isn’t a manipulation tool. God is not my infinite vending machine.  Being a recovering control freak, I cringe at how many times I’ve tried to coerce people…coerce God into following my plan—as if I even could. I’d take God my to-do list and explain why it’s essential He follow my protocol; after all, my plan is for the best, right? My arrogance is laughable at best; downright idolatrous at worst.

     The times when I’ve tried to pressure someone—usually my husband or child—into something I saw as best have never quite turned out the way I’d hoped. In desperation, I’d nag, deploying every manipulative device I possessed, but my efforts often seemed to turn the person further from my desired outcome.  After futile attempts, I finally resolved myself “to just pray.”  [On a side note, the Enemy has duped us into thinking that prayer is a last resort, give-up endeavor void of power.  Oh, how wrong we are to believe such lies.]  I asked God to show me how to pray His will over my loved ones.  And step-by-step, I walked beside Him in my thoughts and desires and my conversation with Him.

    If I was praying for a person’s heart to change, I would see more results when I stepped back and let God be God for them, instead of trying to tell them what I thought they needed to do. Did the transformation come in my timing? Hardly ever. Even so, He’s done some miraculous transformation in my life and the lives of those around me, bringing change as only He could. Some of the prayers I’m praying still haven’t had a definitive answer yet, but I’m okay with that. I trust that the Lord will do what needs to be done when it needs to happen. And even if I don’t comprehend the answer or agree with the results, I know God’s nature: He is good and loving and more than capable without me. He sees what I'm blind to. He holds all things in that beautiful tension. Therefore, He is trustworthy. Prayer doesn’t have to be a desperate or a scary thing anymore.

   I’d say that truly purposeful prayer isn’t about producing a certain result. It’s more about changing my heart into a right attitude that aligns with who God is and who He says I am, and then—and only then— do I reach out for something “more.” Prayer has become about connecting with Him and less about what I can get from Him. And He Himself is so much more than anything He can give me anyway. He is more than everything.

Finding a new position in prayer

I'm sure you've had it happen--everyone has. You get a phone call, a text, an email, and you know. You. just .know. Inwardly you cringe, because the only times this person contacts you is to request something of you.  Be it family member or friend, they aren't there to ask how you are, they aren't there to invite you to hang out; they are making a connection with you because they need something of you. You feel manipulated and worn out, like an overused tissue...
 and you want to scream, "Just leave me alone." 

Because if someone doesn't want to be close to you just for you, you feel more worthless than if they didn't need you at all. You never wanted to be anyone's networking genie in a bottle. 

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. In the past six months, I've picked up three books on prayer, but Larry Crabb's The Papa Prayer has to be the best one I've read so far. His words reduce the guilt and pressure of seeing prayer as treating God like a vending machine--which is often what prayer has become in the church, a spiritual arm-twisting.  And on goes the skewed belief: if you don't get what you need (or demand) it's because you haven't prayed just right. But the end goal of prayer always seems to be the answer to your question, not the time conversing with Him.

 As Crabb illustrates, most Christians view God as the ice-cream man. We, as his children, run with eager anticipation when the ice cream truck circles around our neighborhood. We may know the man's name and even smile and make small talk, but the ultimate goal in our "relationship" is the ice cream, not the deliverer. We aren't concerned about sitting down with the ice cream man, we aren't there to enjoy him or get to know him better. Here's my two dollars, now give me what I want. 

Our Christian prayers are often so self-focused and demanding. We thank God when He is "useful" and ask Him for insight to make our lives here better. 

"'God, give me the life I want" has been the theme of your prayers. But now you can hear the muffled cry coming from the center of your heart: 'God, let me know you better.' I want to know Him, trust Him, hear His voice and experience His power to live the way He tells me to, whether things go my way or not. That, I'm discovering, gives me a kind of solid joy nothing else provides." (Crabb, The Papa Prayer)



The goal of prayer is relating, connecting, drawing close--not receiving something (no matter how good it may be). Crabb goes on to say that sometimes even the things God promises can become idols to our prayer (peace, joy, wisdom, etc.).  

Prayer should not be a vending machine.No matter how much I put in the slot,God doesn't owe me.
Prayer should not be a way to manipulate God. He is God and I have nothing to demand of Him.
Prayer should not be about an "end result" but about being with God Himself. His heart, not His hands.

Satisfaction in this life is not the end goal.

Many of us, myself included, don't know--never learned--how to pray just for the sheer enjoyment of God's presence. I've worshiped with that idea in mind, but ultimately, I think I was worshiping an experience or an emotional high than God himself. Does that make sense?

And then Crabb says these words and I feel alarmed too:

"The problem, of course, is that our relationship with God is so shallow that the pleasure it brings really is less than the pleasure we feel when life goes well. Living for God, sincerely and sacrificially, does not always generate the pleasurable experience of meaning and joy. God lets us experience seasons of emptiness and futility that simply cannot be endured if our real aim is satisfaction in this life." (Crabb 54) Um, yes, here I am.

What do I find the most pleasure in? Whatever it is will allure me to its side and possess the ultimate hold over me. 

How do I relate to God as Father, friend, confidante, savior, and not Santa Claus or a Genie? 

>In simplistic terms, it's about giving God your thoughts of your self (no pretending here): this is what I think of myself right now. This is where I am.

>Then I let God know what I think of Him: am I viewing Him as too chummy? Is He there to do my bidding? Does he even care or is he the apathetic watchmaker who has better things to do than attend to my thoughts? Is He a Be honest. He already knows. 

>What's blocking me from the truth of who God is and who I am supposed to be in Him? Does my idea of God conflict with Scripture. Does God really look like I envision Him? 

>And then ask God to help you put God back on the throne. It's all about Him, not about what He does, how He blesses or changes my circumstances. He is God; He doesn't need me, He doesn't owe me, and He shouldn't be in a box I open and close. He is GOD. Seeing Him--and treating Him--as such will keep me in His place and me in humble awe. 


That, essentially, is the Papa prayer. I'd highly recommend the book; it's turned my thoughts upside-down and I'm not exactly sure how to proceed, but I know God can take my feeble wanderings right now. And I have hope He's going to eventually pull me out of this pit of doubt and fear. I want the ultimately goal to be Him and I have confidence He'll eventually teach me what relating to Him like that looks like. 

I came across a diagram by Alan Kraft, a pastor in Colorado. 
The Lord's prayer is about the Lord. The only times we mention ourselves is to acknowledge our position before the LORD. He is the one who provides (give us our daily bread), He is the one who pardons (forgives us our debts), and He is the one who protects us (lead us not into temptation). We are seeking His will and we are powerless to fulfill it without Him. May we ever come to see Him more as He truly is and we as we are. God help us see. Help us understand. And help us draw near to you for You...just You and your plan. 

When You Feel "Blah"...

I just finished an online collaborative with one of my Regent students; it was open to the whole class, but he's the only one that showed up. We had a great conversation about prose and poetry and I'm thankful he's intentional, but just a little disappointed no one else cared enough...

After grading discussion posts that were, quite honestly, a little disappointing, and assessing my less-than-stellar day, I want to wipe the board clean and hope for a better one tomorrow.

I home-school two and keep loving guard over one that is too little to sit still but old enough to want to "do school" with the big kids--it's a tension-filled age.

Today I washed three--or was it four?--loads of laundry, prepared meals (sorry dinner was so crummy, Pal--he's so gracious in the face of fish sticks), graded five essays, and kept three (make that four--I had one on loan all afternoon) kids alive, and even managed to do my Bible study homework. But, that was about it. The day felt a little like a wash-out, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I heard horrendous things like, "you are so mean!" "I don't like you anymore!" "I'm tired of dealing with all this!"(yes, I know...I can't even) and the infamous, "I hate you!" Yes, I have young, intense, emotion-driven children, and quite honestly, most of the time, they are bullies. Any other job and I'd say "adios," but I'm in this one for keeps. It's God-given and I can't give it back.

 I've always prayed over my kids...many, many times a day (and over myself, many, many times a day), but I'm going to try something a little more intentional and less fly-by-the-seat desperate (although there will still be much of that too). I'm going to set some designated time in the morning, before they get up, to pray. I've fought it and resisted the idea for years (it's legalism, I justified), but it's becoming a necessity, not a luxury, and certainly not as optional as I once thought prayer was.

I think what's so discouraging is the contrast between my high spiritual moments and the pits of dirty-world reality. Saturday I had the privilege (thanks, Pal, you really are the best!) of going to a Beth Moore simulcast. I spent uninhibited time worshiping with women all over the globe (thousands of them!) and heard teaching that renewed the fire in my spirit. God met me there and I didn't just hear Him, I felt Him. I want to be a woman who loves Jesus above all else, prays with boldness, and walks in the humble light of Scripture. I do!

And then Monday hits me, and I plead, "How do I get through this?" I feel like I'm being ground up and spit out.

Beth Moore said many things this weekend that shot to the center, but I want to share a seemingly insignificant piece she offered from her daughter, "Just show up." Yes, life is messy, hard, and we don't always know what to do or how to do it.  All the choices and burdens can overwhelm us--boy, do they ever.  But, just take the next step. Do the next thing. Show up to something...a Bible study. An outreach event. A community ministry. Just. show. up. For we can make excuses for almost everything we're offered, even motherhood--and yes, the temptation is even there for that one, at times. Even so, Beth encourages us to live a life outside "normal expectations". We are called to live with "guts for His glory." Not a fearless life, but an Audacious life. And as our teaching pastor said on Sunday, "He didn't promise it would be easy, but He promised it would be worth it." Yes, thank you, Jesus! It will. It will. 

2 Corinthians 4:17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.