Give me a Break...

Zip through a couple of days that I'd label unsuccessful and the idea of making any more decisions almost seems overwhelming.  What book should we study next? Where do you want to meet tomorrow? What time? Do you want one cookie or two? What kind of hot tea do you want? Seriously. I can't go there right now.

Aaron sighed, "I'm tired of making decisions." No joke. Give me a drawing pad and take away my license; I've decided to be a kid again. As one of my friends says, "This adulting thing stinks."

After dealing with mouthy kids and frustrating technology and leaky faucets and worn-down appliances and wondering, what am I going to need to fix next, we drive up to Ozark to purchase a used van. We'd already test-driven it and--we thought--fully assessed the pros/cons. Unfortunately, the van barely made it out of the drive-way before not one, but two squeaks started assailing our ears. Really? Where was this cacophonous concert when we drove it last week?

We pull into Aldi to buy our weekly groceries and think, "Oh, well...hopefully the mechanic can figure this junk out without it costing too much." Still, I'm feeling a little bit like someone handed me a shiny red balloon and then popped it.

After loading the groceries into the back of the Honda, Aaron gets the kids buckled and then turns the key. Nothing. Nada. Dead.

We give each other a look and wonder, can we laugh about this? Because if we don't, I think I might cry. It's not the van; it's not even the money. It's just the one. more. thing. One more detail. One more call. One more task on my list. One more thing to process and act on. Where's the cruise control on life when you need it?

I follow Aaron and the kids home in our seemingly more reliable '99 Dodge Caravan. Okay, why did we feel the need to buy another vehicle? My natural tendency is to fume, but I know what I've got to do: pray. Just leave it with me, Kristin. Talk to me about how you feel. Ask me for perspective. 

So I do, but I feel tired and distracted and empty--soul fatigue. His patience astounds me. Somehow I hear His whisper: worship me. Thank me. 
I'd love to say I jumped into gratitude with enthusiasm, but truthfully, my words came more as a sacrifice than anything else. At least, at first.

I love learning new worship songs, but the choruses that return to my mind are ones I heard growing up. When I need to sing to an audience of one, I pull from that repertoire.
I started singing a song that I haven't heard for probably two decades: let me take you back to Hosanna's praise. It's Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart. Henry Smith wrote the song in the 70's, in the midst of dealing with joblessness and a disease that eventually left him blind. The song itself contains simple lyrics and a repetitious chorus:

                  Give thanks with a grateful heart,
                  Give thanks to the Holy One.
                  Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son.

Though I kept singing, the last line snagged and stuck. I don't worship Him just when He gives me obedient kids, reliable vehicles, a healthy body, or stable relationships. I praise Him because He's given me a Savior. And if that's it, it's more than enough.

I was talking to my mom tonight, asking her if she'd help me get the van into the auto shop, and she reminded me of something that has quickly become one of her catch phrases: "It's just stuff."

It all breaks down, crumbles by mold, moth, and decay. But, what He's already given us in Christ is secured for all of eternity. With that gift, how can I say anything but thank you? Maybe your stressers carry a heavier weight: cancer, divorce, rebellion. Maybe it's not just a car or house that's broken down, but a marriage...a spirit of hope. I know what it feels like to give up too, but He doesn't reciprocate. Remember, that He makes all things new. What He touches doesn't stay the same. He has put His imprint on us and sealed us for all eternity.

"He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." 2 Cor. 1:21-22

And I am "justified by His grace through the redemption that is in Jesus Christ." Romans 3:24

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.
1 Peter 1:3–5

Today, I just need to be thankful...

So, I'm taking the opportunity to publicly do what often feels like a begrudging task--just being honest. I know thankfulness increases joy and lessens frustration. Gratitude garnishes peace and restores perspective...and yet, I'm often reluctant to just sit and thank.

Why?

Because there's so much still to do... Because there's so much to change, improve, accomplish...
Because gratitude feels final in some ways, like I'm letting God off the hook to answer what I desperately want (healing, answers to questions, wisdom for parenting, direction, etc.). "After all, don't get any ideas that I'm too content here, God. I still need you to see to these things on my list...and the sooner the better." Seriously. Just being honest about my ugly sometimes. And yes, I realize how outrageously absurd this attitude is. It's rebellious, disrespectful, entitled, and self-absorbed. It diminishes what the Lord has done and continues to do and instead channels my inner complainer by whining, "What now?" Am I really telling Him, "It's never enough?" REally? Is He even LORD at that point?

If He never "blessed" me again. If He took everything and left me nothing but my eternal security, would I have anything to say but "bless Your Holy Name"?

The most challenging aspect of our relationship lately hasn't been the various speed-bumps I've hit the last two months: it's been His seeming silence. I say "seeming" because it appears that He isn't talking to me, but perhaps I just don't have my ears tuned to hear. And yet, even if He was taking me through a desert season of quiet, would I be faithful to trust Him in that silence? Do I deserve the Almighty God to regularly converse with me whenever I scream? Do I demand He talk/answer when I expect?

So, today--despite the many frustrations--I am turning towards the blessings of His allowances and benefits.

 I'm thankful for
... a warm home on a rainy day...
....the opportunity to work from home and focus uninterrupted (thanks to Grandmom every Monday afternoon).
...the patience to teach my children to read. Landon read his own "congratulation" card and finished up his reading book this past week. Two down, one to go!

 ...for Lego messes scattered throughout the house--evidence of quality time going on with Daddy and kids.
...the creativity that generates from my three very different children.
...upcoming birthday celebrations--life.
...online Christmas shopping.
...working washing machine and dryer.
...hot water.
...fall decorations.

I'm thankful for...
encouraging friends at small group.
challenging words from my pastor.
evidence of God at work.
hope for the future.

15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. 

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 

17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 

18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:15-18