Monday, September 14, 2015

When You Feel "Blah"...

I just finished an online collaborative with one of my Regent students; it was open to the whole class, but he's the only one that showed up. We had a great conversation about prose and poetry and I'm thankful he's intentional, but just a little disappointed no one else cared enough...

After grading discussion posts that were, quite honestly, a little disappointing, and assessing my less-than-stellar day, I want to wipe the board clean and hope for a better one tomorrow.

I home-school two and keep loving guard over one that is too little to sit still but old enough to want to "do school" with the big kids--it's a tension-filled age.

Today I washed three--or was it four?--loads of laundry, prepared meals (sorry dinner was so crummy, Pal--he's so gracious in the face of fish sticks), graded five essays, and kept three (make that four--I had one on loan all afternoon) kids alive, and even managed to do my Bible study homework. But, that was about it. The day felt a little like a wash-out, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I heard horrendous things like, "you are so mean!" "I don't like you anymore!" "I'm tired of dealing with all this!"(yes, I know...I can't even) and the infamous, "I hate you!" Yes, I have young, intense, emotion-driven children, and quite honestly, most of the time, they are bullies. Any other job and I'd say "adios," but I'm in this one for keeps. It's God-given and I can't give it back.

 I've always prayed over my kids...many, many times a day (and over myself, many, many times a day), but I'm going to try something a little more intentional and less fly-by-the-seat desperate (although there will still be much of that too). I'm going to set some designated time in the morning, before they get up, to pray. I've fought it and resisted the idea for years (it's legalism, I justified), but it's becoming a necessity, not a luxury, and certainly not as optional as I once thought prayer was.

I think what's so discouraging is the contrast between my high spiritual moments and the pits of dirty-world reality. Saturday I had the privilege (thanks, Pal, you really are the best!) of going to a Beth Moore simulcast. I spent uninhibited time worshiping with women all over the globe (thousands of them!) and heard teaching that renewed the fire in my spirit. God met me there and I didn't just hear Him, I felt Him. I want to be a woman who loves Jesus above all else, prays with boldness, and walks in the humble light of Scripture. I do!

And then Monday hits me, and I plead, "How do I get through this?" I feel like I'm being ground up and spit out.

Beth Moore said many things this weekend that shot to the center, but I want to share a seemingly insignificant piece she offered from her daughter, "Just show up." Yes, life is messy, hard, and we don't always know what to do or how to do it.  All the choices and burdens can overwhelm us--boy, do they ever.  But, just take the next step. Do the next thing. Show up to something...a Bible study. An outreach event. A community ministry. Just. show. up. For we can make excuses for almost everything we're offered, even motherhood--and yes, the temptation is even there for that one, at times. Even so, Beth encourages us to live a life outside "normal expectations". We are called to live with "guts for His glory." Not a fearless life, but an Audacious life. And as our teaching pastor said on Sunday, "He didn't promise it would be easy, but He promised it would be worth it." Yes, thank you, Jesus! It will. It will. 

2 Corinthians 4:17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

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