Friendships: 5 ways to connect with people in a lasting way

Right now I'm going through 1 Samuel, studying the life of David and the deep bond between him and Jonathan--a man who should have been in contention with David.

I'm so thankful for the friends--and I have quite a few--who exhibit these traits. 

True friends rejoice when their friends rejoice: 
As the son to King Saul, Jonathan had every "right" to the throne, and yet, he acknowledged God's anointing over his friend and didn't give jealousy any room to destroy. This point may seem arbitrary to us in specific terms of royal reign, but we can certainly connect on other levels.
*The job you applied for went to someone else. *The guy you prayed about suddenly started dating someone else. *The friend just revealed her pregnancy, as you miscarried. 

True friendship exclaims, "Wahoo, I'm so happy for you," and we really mean it. Green-eyed disdain doesn't creep up because we genuinely wish the best for our friends. We love them as we love ourselves. 

In similar strokes, True friends grieve with those who grieve: This practice takes more sacrifice, I think. After all, grief and sadness, loss and pain, require time. And time isn't something many people willingly relinquish. Even so, true friendships are solidified in the midst of our deepest soul need. When the shadows of this life's deficiencies takes a choke-hold, we need to know that someone is going to step up and help loosen the fingers so we can breathe again. 

True friends ask "what can I do?" and then do it. Nothing squelches bonds like failure to follow-through with your word. Your words stand as representatives of your attitude and desires. Obviously, we can fake it at times, but ultimately, our true heart will come out.  If you say, "I want to be there for you," then be there. 

True friends tell each other the truth. I've always appreciated friends with candor: I knew what I was getting.  Perhaps because honesty is such a valuable trait to me, I'd rather hear a painful truth over a soothing lie (Proverbs 27:6). I have some friends who aren't afraid to tell me what I need to hear, not because they wish to wound me, but because they care about my spiritual growth and my closeness to the Lord. I can trust that kind of "pain." 

True friends don't tell others "your truths."  The friends who I esteem as those "true and deep" relationships, the ones who tell me what I need to hear and listen to my dark failings and fears, are also the ones who carry discretion with my vulnerability. I know they aren't going to turn and use my open heart as a means to connect with someone else. Beware of someone who gossips about others to you; they are often turning to those same people about your secrets as well. 

"A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends." Proverbs 16:28

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." Prov. 27:17

"He who walks with the wise grows wise, [...]" Prov. 13:20

How to be a Friend to an Introvert

First off, let's blast some misconceived notions ignorantly floating out there: introverts do like people. To say that all introverts are shy is like saying that all extroverts are obnoxious. Yes, introverts really do have friends. In fact, introverts appreciate deeper, long-lasting relationships more fully than some extroverts can or want to. For most, it looks more like this picture than a snapshot of a large dinner party.

Yes, overall, introverts need less time with people than extroverts, but it's not because they are reclusive, arrogant, or socially awkward--they may be all those things but it's not a prerequisite for introversion.

Think of it this way: people are like sponges, constantly taking in what is around them. Introverts are double-absorbent sponges. They soak up twice as much, twice as fast. So, sooner than later, they have to go home and squeeze themselves out if they are going to make room for any more.
For a little further science on the matter, check out Eysenck's thoughts.

Introverts often shun dull, superficial conversation and would prefer to get to "what really matters" quickly, as they don't have the time or energy for numerous shallow relationship burdened with unessential dialogue. Introverts would prefer to swim deep or not swim at all. Therefore, things like philosophy intrigues an introvert.

"Introverts like to jump into the deep end," says Dembling

Don't know if you are an introvert? Wonder about that new friend or relative? Read through this list to see if they match the signs.

I've often been accused of being too intense, passionate, or out-spoken and even too reserved. Confusing to some, I prefer to speak in front of people than try to mix-and-mingle with strangers. Going to a big party can make me feel more alone than if I'd stayed home alone. I often feel like I was born in the wrong time period or that my age is waiting to catch up with my ponderings.

Most of my close friends understand my temperament, but for every introvert out there, an extrovert will label and ridicule their choices. To clear up a few misunderstandings, please consider the following:

1. Introverts love people--really, they do--but they have to pick and choose what they will do in any given week. Unlike extroverts, their motto isn't "the more the merrier" in company or activity. Just because they have a "free" night doesn't mean it's up for grabs.



2. Introverts won't waste their time on relationships that carry no depth. They just don't have the emotional capacity to sit and talk about the frivolous and listen to more details about the unimportant. Now, please note: although introverts are often great listeners, they don't want to become your counselor and hear all the gory details of your abusive past or the awkward, personal particulars of your husband's habits. They want a mutually-edifying relationship where vulnerability is purposeful and exhorting.

3. Introverts often take more time to process.  So, don't over-analyze their silence or contemplative mood. They are thinking and are far less prone to impulsive responses. In all fairness, if your spouse or friend has tossed a ball, let them know that you've at least caught it (even if it takes you a moment to throw it back).

4. Introverts want to say "no" more than they do.  Give them the freedom to be honest and decline. Don't label them hermits. Respect their boundaries.

 Balance is a good word here – an introvert desires to find a way to go to some things when she doesn’t want to, but mostly honor her initial gut reactions about invitations.

5. Introverts are not an anomaly of what's normal. Please don't treat an introvert like they are afflicted. It's not a disease.

And for the standard "be-a-good-friend" general list, consider these ideas:

• Initiate time together and be dependable to keep it.
• Don't just dump your problems, failing to ask questions of the other person and their needs.
• Be quick to apologize. 
• Don't abandon them when they are in a dark place. 
• Be authentic and helpful--speaking truth in love.
• Laugh with them (rejoice in their success) and cry with them (mourn their losses)
• When all else fails to stick, think "Golden Rule"