Last night I felt so overcome with... I didn't even know what, that I had to take up my journal and verbally vomit to God. Through writing, I realized fear had been gnawing at me, slowly eating me alive. I thought about sharing my prayer with you, but realized it would be TMI--I don't have the cleanest filter.
It was just too raw.
So, I'll give you the jest of it.
I'm a fearful person. I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of loss. I'm not afraid of loss, but I am afraid of pain. I'm not afraid of the different, but I want to prepare for the unknown. What it all boils down to is control. I don't like to be caught of guard by the unpleasant.
If I'm going to endure something horrendous, I can handle it, God, but at least give me heads up, okay?
For what purpose?
So I can plan?
So I can finagle my way out of it?
So I don't have to trust you.
As I've shared with you before, I'm somewhat of a hypochondriac...
I'm a big one, actually.
People everywhere around me are falling prey to cancer's ravenous claws, and yes, I know it sounds pitifully self-absorbed, but I'm afraid I'm going to get it too. I've never had a super-strong immune system and the last 14 months have left me wondering if my body is ever going to get it together again. I have all these mysterious pains and well... I'm afraid I'm going to be like this dear sister (only 35 years old, mind you) who has been given a month to live.
What's going to happen to her boys? What will her husband do?
How do you even prepare for something like that?
I don't know, but I'm a trouble -shooter... and a little dramatic. As a child/teenager, I was convinced that I'd live a short life, never knowing what it was like to have a family of my own. I think it was easier to "accept" the worst than hope for the best--it felt safer. Less disappointment that way.
But I wasn't putting my hope in the right place. Just like I wasn't last night. I was so consumed with the what-if's that I was tormenting myself out of the joy of today. God never promised us tomorrow, but He did promise to never leave us. And that should be enough, shouldn't it? The Creator and Sustainer of the Universe and the Savior of my soul says He will always love me.
And for today... and tomorrow...