Monday, August 26, 2013

I am a Failure

My garden is dying.  No, I haven't been out to weed it for some time.  But yes, I am trying to make sure it gets a drink every other day...or so.  But still, it struggles. One edible tomato has been plucked from my plants.  The gorgeous orange blossoms on my pumpkin plants are shriveled and no fruit remains.

If our family's food depended on my gardening abilities, I fear we'd starve.

When my husband digs through the laundry and asks if he has clean clothes for work the next day, I hang my head in defeat.  Never mind I already did three loads of laundry that day.  Frustrated, I can't keep up.  I don't want him to need anything; me, I've already taken care of it. 

When the floors stick to your heel, the baby begs to be held, the dishes pile, the tubs turn grimy, and the cupboard is empty, I want to scream.  How am I supposed to keep up with all this?

I want to diligently homeschool my children, complete all my work before deadline, manage a workout and a Bible study time every day, pray, prepare captivating, yet affordable meals, and live out our existence in a germ-free, tidy home.

I want to feel like a conqueror, but I feel like a failure...

...and it's okay.

Because my limitations teach me that I need Someone other than myself.  I need to focus on things that can't be crossed off a list.  I need to breathe in Him and work out this Love He pours over me.

And some days, He blesses me with a little extra perspective.  I am more patient, able to see what needs to be healed and cuddled, not scrubbed or organized.  And some days, I am blessed through my community, who generously offer a hand and allow me to stretch and focus.

So, each day is a gift. Whether I "fail" or "succeed'', my life is hidden in Him.  And He has told me that I am already a conqueror.

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