I don't consider myself materialistic--I don't like to shop, spend money, or pay full price for anything. I'm a bargain hunter and I love to save. But God's been showing me how materialistic I've become in my hoarding. Even though I don't like to spend, I find security in how much we have sitting in the bank.
This week we received a bill for my ER visit back in February. Even though the doctor ran several tests, I left no better than when I walked in. They thought my inability to breathe might be due to pleurisy, but they weren't sure, and since I was nursing, I couldn't take any anti-inflammatory drugs. So, after a couple hours, we left.
We opened the bill for $1700. And that amount was after insurance "helped out."
Immediately, I felt discouraged, frustrated, and determined. I decided that day I would work more, spend less, and regain control of our finances. I apologized to Aaron multiple times for the wasted trip and the added burden.
And later that evening I took a walk, by myself, and tried to listen to God. He told me to let go. That my security wasn't found in my savings, that money is temporal, giving is essential, and He would be the one to provide for me... not me.
I've always valued hard work and helping oneself. Co-dependency on others, the government, or debt irritates me. But with that frustration comes a lot of pride and self-reliance. I forget that God is the one that enables me to work, God is the one who helped me earn a degree so I could do something I love... at home without paying for childcare. God is the one that gave Aaron a strong body and a position at CofO's landscaping department and just as He has given, so can He take away. We've been blessed by numerous and generous benefactors, we've been given much and yes, although we've tried to be wise with our money, all is grace to us.
As I walked, I understood more that God was saying, "regardless of your savings... or lack thereof, I will take care of you. Trust me."
And I walked some more, and God spoke to my heart again. You need to let go. You need to give away. You need to give till it's uncomfortable. You need to give even though it doesn't feel reasonable or "smart." You need to store up more eternally.
I'd love to say that I accepted God's urging on His terms and immediately obeyed. I debated with Him for awhile though. Truth be told, I haven't even shared my thoughts with Aaron yet. Why? Fear mostly.
And then last night, Aaron prayed a prayer that convicted me further while addressing some of the issues I needed to address with him.
What did I hear again?