Try Harder

My mentor and I settled in with Panera coffee and classical music in the background. Truly, I love this time away from kids, away from duty, away from the nagging internal voices that demand me to try harder. Allison somehow possesses the gift of listening and challenging, all the while leaving the receiver empowered and edified. She leans in and asks me the probing questions that till up my heart and lay the ground bare for further planting and watering. 

We wrestle through all aspects of life (mothering, teaching, writing, leading), and then she inquires, "So, what are you thoughts and feelings around your grandmother's death?" Seeing her die overturned some emotional soreness from seeing her son (my own dad) die three years prior. But truthfully, the overarching response to her departure hitches onto jealousy: anytime a believer leaves this broken world for the complete one, I feel a tinge of envy. They are done struggling, done with the mess of feeling broken, in body and spirit.

I clarify, "I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired...tired of the messiness. Tired of the questions and struggle."
She responds, "Tired of fighting the good fight." 
Essentially, yes. 

As we talk, I realize how pitiful it sounds. How my perspective and heart need some altering. After all, my life carries so much ease and blessing. I may feel under attack, but I don't know what it means to suffer--really suffer. The majority of my issues stem from expecting more from myself than I can acquire. Get it right; work harder; find the answers; be more!

The law works fear and wrath; grace works hope and mercy. ~ Martin Luther


It's almost as if God is denying my ability to perceive success in any area of life. Knowing how much I value accomplishment and results, He's said, "Nope, you aren't going to find your identity in that." When I can't look to my abilities as a wife, mother, home-school parent, professor, leader, or writer nor measure any advancement or reward, I eventually turn back to my Creator and say, "Okay, what now? Where do I find my assurance and completion?" 

When failure bombards me, I know that success rests in Him. I've gotten so far off course that now I'm searching for security in me again and what I can do well. That was never God's intention for His children. He wants us to rest wholly in Who He is and what He's done. 

Last night, as Allison was praying over me, she asked the Lord to return to me the joy of salvation (Ps. 51:12): that's it, isn't it? Whether our little worlds rise high or crash down in rubble, the joy of this life comes from Him and what He's done in us. He loves us just as we are, broken but complete in Him.

"You are seen and known.
You aren't just another face in the crowd, you aren't just left fighting your battle, trying to slay your giants, forgotten & alone on the backside of nowhere. You aren't just a number -- your name, your *name* is engraved into the palm of His hands. He knows *you* -- He knows that thing you can't say out loud, He knows the soreness of the hidden wounds you've been carrying around on the inside, He knows the weight that you've been lifting & trying to pretend isn't even there. He wrote a love letter to you about it all; He didn't just write the Word--He wrote it *for you* ... He wrote it *to you* -- *personally.*
He wrote your name on His hand --- personally.
So let's believe it and
Never buy the lie
that it matters how you're ranked
in the eyes of the world --
when what ultimately matters
is how you are ranked
in the hearts of your people
and the eyes of God." ~ Ann Voskamp


I John 3:1-3
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.  Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure."

Give me a Break...

Zip through a couple of days that I'd label unsuccessful and the idea of making any more decisions almost seems overwhelming.  What book should we study next? Where do you want to meet tomorrow? What time? Do you want one cookie or two? What kind of hot tea do you want? Seriously. I can't go there right now.

Aaron sighed, "I'm tired of making decisions." No joke. Give me a drawing pad and take away my license; I've decided to be a kid again. As one of my friends says, "This adulting thing stinks."

After dealing with mouthy kids and frustrating technology and leaky faucets and worn-down appliances and wondering, what am I going to need to fix next, we drive up to Ozark to purchase a used van. We'd already test-driven it and--we thought--fully assessed the pros/cons. Unfortunately, the van barely made it out of the drive-way before not one, but two squeaks started assailing our ears. Really? Where was this cacophonous concert when we drove it last week?

We pull into Aldi to buy our weekly groceries and think, "Oh, well...hopefully the mechanic can figure this junk out without it costing too much." Still, I'm feeling a little bit like someone handed me a shiny red balloon and then popped it.

After loading the groceries into the back of the Honda, Aaron gets the kids buckled and then turns the key. Nothing. Nada. Dead.

We give each other a look and wonder, can we laugh about this? Because if we don't, I think I might cry. It's not the van; it's not even the money. It's just the one. more. thing. One more detail. One more call. One more task on my list. One more thing to process and act on. Where's the cruise control on life when you need it?

I follow Aaron and the kids home in our seemingly more reliable '99 Dodge Caravan. Okay, why did we feel the need to buy another vehicle? My natural tendency is to fume, but I know what I've got to do: pray. Just leave it with me, Kristin. Talk to me about how you feel. Ask me for perspective. 

So I do, but I feel tired and distracted and empty--soul fatigue. His patience astounds me. Somehow I hear His whisper: worship me. Thank me. 
I'd love to say I jumped into gratitude with enthusiasm, but truthfully, my words came more as a sacrifice than anything else. At least, at first.

I love learning new worship songs, but the choruses that return to my mind are ones I heard growing up. When I need to sing to an audience of one, I pull from that repertoire.
I started singing a song that I haven't heard for probably two decades: let me take you back to Hosanna's praise. It's Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart. Henry Smith wrote the song in the 70's, in the midst of dealing with joblessness and a disease that eventually left him blind. The song itself contains simple lyrics and a repetitious chorus:

                  Give thanks with a grateful heart,
                  Give thanks to the Holy One.
                  Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son.

Though I kept singing, the last line snagged and stuck. I don't worship Him just when He gives me obedient kids, reliable vehicles, a healthy body, or stable relationships. I praise Him because He's given me a Savior. And if that's it, it's more than enough.

I was talking to my mom tonight, asking her if she'd help me get the van into the auto shop, and she reminded me of something that has quickly become one of her catch phrases: "It's just stuff."

It all breaks down, crumbles by mold, moth, and decay. But, what He's already given us in Christ is secured for all of eternity. With that gift, how can I say anything but thank you? Maybe your stressers carry a heavier weight: cancer, divorce, rebellion. Maybe it's not just a car or house that's broken down, but a marriage...a spirit of hope. I know what it feels like to give up too, but He doesn't reciprocate. Remember, that He makes all things new. What He touches doesn't stay the same. He has put His imprint on us and sealed us for all eternity.

"He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." 2 Cor. 1:21-22

And I am "justified by His grace through the redemption that is in Jesus Christ." Romans 3:24

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.
1 Peter 1:3–5

Clearing the Fog

I've gotten so forgetful lately, I've been scaring myself. Although details aren't my strength, I usually stay responsible over the things that need to get done by deadlines. But, somewhere between baby one and baby three, my brain juice started to evaporate. Or perhaps they just needed it more than I did and it was drained in-utero. Either way, my thoughts have become a frenzied cartoon of Family Circus (something like this comes to mind).   

As most moms can relate, we start a load of laundry and realize that we've left some dirty clothes in the bathroom. So, before we put the soap in the washer, we run to get that stuff, but on the way to the bathroom, we trip over a scooter (that should have never been in the house anyway), which we conveniently sidestep to discuss with our children the need to put away toys and keep bigger stuff outside. Help the oldest with some math questions. Then, we notice that the youngest is attempting to get himself a snack and has left the refrigerator open. We close the drawers, peel the apple, and then, of course, the dishes need to be put in the dishwasher, which reminds us of the other washer, which we then close the lid on (forgetting the dirty clothes in the bathroom we went to retrieve in the first place).

This little scenario is one of dozens I encounter in a day. The distractions are understandable: who wouldn't forget a few things with all those interruptions? But, what's more scary is how cluttered my mind has become. 
Experts say that the more clutter we have in our house, the more stressed we are (high blood-pressure, digestive issues, anxiety, etc.), but how do we de-clutter our minds? After all, sticky notes will only get me so far. 

Today I drove somewhere in my house-shoes and on the way home I didn't remember to put on my seatbelt until I was 1/3 of the way home (my uber-safety-conscious receptors never let that happen...until today). I have this over-arching fear that I'm going to wind up somewhere in my pjs, having gotten all the kids ready while completely forgetting to dress myself...or worse yet, I'll forget one of the kids. 

Call it what you will...brain fog, stress, "too much on my mind", but it's time to clear the mental desk and organize a few things.

First things first. 

1. Make sure every day you take 15 minutes to debrief. Now, I'm not referring to "emptying your mind" or even meditation. No, nothing as spiritual or mystical as that. Simply put, you need to time to let your brain "freewrite" about the day. Let it categorize a few things, but don't dictate how you think. If you are on outward processor, talk to a friend or journal. If you are more introverted, sit in a comfy chair and stare at the wall...or better yet, close your eyes. If 15 minutes is "too much" than you need to greatly reduce your schedule. 

2. Give yourself permission to have an "off day". Just so you know, my type-A, task-driven nature cringes over this idea, but I think it needs to be said. We give ourselves far too little grace (apparently I'm in the queen-status on this one) and we need to allow ourselves hours or a day to say "I'm not going to worry about it." For me, that day is Sunday, but sometimes it's Thursday: I have next-to-no expectations for myself and I certainly don't have a to-do list. We don't have to wear a cape all the time. Tell yourself, I am just human. I'm going to make mistakes. This day isn't going to be perfect and neither am I. 

3. Don't multi-task so much. As a stay-at-home, home-school mom with a stay-at-home online job, multi-tasking is a necessary evil at times. But, where I can reduce, I try to...and every year, I think I get a little better at saying "no" and letting things go. Number 3 correlates to #2. The expectation bar needs to be realistic.  We think we are multi-tasking effectively, but trying to do more than one thing at a time reduces focus, efficiency and ability to remember. It actually puts a wedge in the brain between what we hope to accomplish and what we actually do. We may "finish" several things but we didn't really cross the finish line with any of them. The goal and the end result are different. 

Of course, there are other ways to help clear fog and maintain focus on what we need to recall, but some of those tips give me a headache. For example, brain games? Sheez...I don't need something else in this life to make me feel stupid and inadequate, thank you. But, if you go for that kind of thing, pick up a crossword puzzle. 

Most importantly, get rest (sleep isn't optional) and eat healthy. Detox your mind and body with exercise.  And take a moment to just exhale. Go ahead. 

Blessings,
Kristin